Don't be resentful. Take what you have learned, grow and move on

Had a great weekend with my family. Now just wanting it to be the weekend again. I love it when my DH is home from work. I really look forward to the days he is home with me and the kids. Nothing much going on in the food department. No weight gain or loss. I guess nothing is better then gaining. Right? I have really been struggling lately with actually getting out of my PJ's. Being a stay at home mom doesn't really make me motivated to actually get out of my pj's and in some regular clothes. I don't really go anywhere very often except maybe a car ride or to the park every once in awhile (I am trying more lately since it has been so nice out). It is too difficult. If I were to take just 2 or maybe even 3 of them they might actually behave. But put all four of them together and they run wild. One picking on the other, running around a store like a chicken with their head cut off etc. However the Target by my house has a cart for 3 kids and my 6 year old actually can handle himself and does not run off.

Today was a good day. Tiring but good. Like I said on a previous post our family loves music. So we usually dance crazy and my kids get to pick songs they like. My Livi loves "All the Single Ladies" so it is really cute to see here facial reaction when the song comes on. She will put her hand over her mouth and her facial reaction is... really really my song. Almost like she won something. LOL.. My daughter Tatum picked "We will rock you" or as she says it "We will rock and roll". Javi picked one of his fav's Will Smith "Party Starter", and Carson picked his favorite Glee's mesh of "It's my life" and "Confessions". Helps get a lot of their energy out. Plus it is really something we all love to do.

I have been kind of emotional today. Nothing terrible is really going on in my life that is earth shattering for me to be so emotional. I guess it is just one of those days. Life will go on and I will be fine. Looking ahead and staying positive. Things could always be worse, that is for sure. Talked to my Dad and my sister tonight. I am going to try and get together with her in a couple of weeks and do lunch. My dad on the other hand is not doing to well. My dad is in a position in his life where I think he is near his end. He is getting older and sicker every time I talk to him. His blood pressure is very very high, and he just seems to continue to go downhill. I don't think it helps that he is homeless. He can't find work has no medical insurance and has burnt all of his bridges. No one really wants to help him anymore. He creates his own problems (drugs and alcohol). He stays with an old family friend of his mothers, and I think if it were not for her he would be living on the streets. He already stayed in a homeless shelter once about a month ago but I don't think they allow you to stay indefinitely. Almost freaked out because he had surgery when he was staying there and I never even knew he had surgery. The last time he went into have surgery, they tried giving him penicillin (which he is allergic to) and blood thinners which should not be given, because he is a hemophiliac. I guess someone failed to read his medical info. So it is always good for me to know what is going on. I told him next time that he needs to call. Even if it is collect.

I know that most people in my shoes probably would not even talk to him anymore (my sister and brother don't) but, he is my dad and I love him. I am not saying that he was a great dad even when I was a child and by no stretch of the imagination should he be father of the year. But it is always nice to hear his voice, even if he is always complaining about the same stuff he has complained about for the last 12 years. I talk to my dad for my piece of my mind. I do tell him what is going on in my life even if he doesn't care or won't remember. Other wise I would grow bitter about the way he has been. But I listen to him (sometimes) and he listens to me (sometimes) and we go with that. We really have never been super close like my mother and I are. But I try not to be resentful toward him or my mother for the way things USED to be. Otherwise I would end up in the same positions they were in. I think that is why I think my life has turned out the way it has. You take the good and the bad and you try and make it work to the best of your ability. Things have been really bad at points in my life when I was a kid and I never want them to be like that for myself, DH, or my children. I just wish people could learn to not be so resentful. I have seen first hand what it does to a person. My father has been so resentful and blamed everyone else for his problems that he feels not talking to them will hurt them. But actually it has hurt him more because it has eaten him up inside. I just wish he could spin it around and get his life back together. But unfortunately I think he is past that point. He still has not learned and continues the path that he is on. But I tell myself, Cassie you know what? Don't be resentful, if he was in a normal state of mind then he would probably be different. He is a good person when he is not intoxicated and I know that he loves me, even if he usually only thinks of himself. I will learn from him and not just think of myself. I have a lot to offer, I am a good person, and I know what is right. He is my father and he is proud of the woman I have become because he tells me so, and if that is the only thing I walk away with when he is gone I will take that because he is my dad and I love him even if he does have problems.

Well better get off of here DH should be calling me soon. Then off to watch The Biggest Loser and some White Collar with the DH. Have a good night ya'll.